


The Demons Inside

by writeitinred



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Depression, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, M/M, Other, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-01
Updated: 2013-11-01
Packaged: 2017-12-31 03:36:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1026783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeitinred/pseuds/writeitinred
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam's world is falling apart, crumbling beneath his fingertips, and he thinks there is only one way out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Demons Inside

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: THERE IS SELF HARM IN THIS PIECE!
> 
> If you would like to keep reading you can keep scrolling down, but if you don't want to that is fine. I understand. 
> 
> This is a piece that I just wanted to type up. It wouldn't leave my head and so I had to type it out for it to actually get out. This was also a way to get my juices flowing for my fic that I should be posting sometime, hopefully, soon. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

The room was dark, tiny bits of light seeping through the thin curtains. There was no noise save for the whimpers coming from Sam’s mouth as the blade came in contact with his wrist. Tears streamed down his cheeks, droplets mixing in with the blood that was falling to the carpet. 

_You’re a monster Sam._

Another memory and another swipe to a cut that was already too deep. He just wanted out of this life, out of this mess. He couldn’t do this anymore. He was hurting the people around him, the trust they once had breaking with each minute that passed. They could tell him that everything was alright between them, but he could see it wasn’t. He was no good. 

_If you weren’t my brother I would kill you._

A sob hitched in his throat, his mouth open in a silent scream as the cold metal swiped across his skin. His wrist was covered in blood, and he wasn’t sure where a cut began and where it ended and he wasn’t sure that it mattered. He would be gone soon. No one would have to worry about him anymore. Dean could move on without him and live a semi-normal life. 

 

_You just get in the way._

They were right. He did get in the way. He wasn’t any good to anybody. He was evil; he was a burden that no one wanted. His brother didn’t even want him around, and Sam couldn’t blame him. He trusted a demon over him, and his heart constricted as the memories flooded his mind and another cut was made with a strangled cry. 

_I can’t keep worrying about you._

Well after tonight Dean wouldn’t have to worry about him. No one would. They could all move on without him, and they could all be happy because-because he wasn’t in the picture. Cas could even stop worrying about him. He could just focus on Dean, and they could even be happy once in a while. 

Everything would be okay soon. He was going to make it all better. He was going to make everything alright again. 

He just had one final good bye to make. He set the knife down, picking the phone out of his shirt pocket and the blood slid down his arm making contact with his shirt. He dialed Dean’s number, hearing the rings with numb ears. He knew he wasn’t going to pick up because who would want to talk to someone who was a monster? Who betrayed them over and over again? 

“Hey Dean,” he choked out, the lump in his throat making it hard for words to get out. “I know you don’t want to talk to me and I mean who would, but I didn’t call for a pity party. I called to say good bye. I am going to fix everything tonight. I am going to make things right again. I am so sorry for what I did Dean, and I hope that this good bye fixes everything between us.” 

Sam shut his phone with shaky fingers, throwing it off to the side. His eyes flickered to the knife, and with a shaky sigh he picked it up again. He spun it around, wondering if this was really the right decision, but then he remembered all the words Dean said to him. He remembered all the hate stares he would get from time to time or the hints that Dean didn’t want to be near him. He remembered all the broken memories, all the heart break he felt, still feels, and he knew that this was the right thing to do. 

He would be gone, out of everyone’s hair, and without a second thought his world was plunged into darkness. 

\--

 _“…I am so sorry for what I did Dean, and I hope that this good bye fixes everything between us.”_

Dean’s eyes widened and his stomach started to sink with fear and worry. This was not his brother, no, something was terribly wrong. Sammy didn’t say good bye. He didn’t believe in good byes. He needed to find him, but he had no idea where he could be. 

He pressed the send button, holding it up to his ear, his leg bouncing in impatience, “Pick up damn it. Sammy, don’t you dare do this to me right now or I swear I will kick your ass.” 

He gave a cry of frustration when it went straight to voicemail, slamming his phone closed. Maybe he was over reacting. Maybe Sammy was actually okay, and he was just joking around but Dean knew this wasn’t a joke. He needed to find his brother or he might just lose him forever. 

“Dean?” Castiel questioned, sensing his lovers panic. “Is everything okay?” 

Dean shook his head, grabbing his coat and car keys, “Something is wrong with Sammy, Cas. I need to find him. Come on.” 

Castiel followed Dean out of the room without a second thought, knowing that his mind was going at a fast rate. Something was definitely wrong with Sam if he was getting this worked up. He followed Dean outside of the motel, sliding into the passenger seat. 

“I need you to help me find a phone that I lost. The number is 1-815-566-8225,” Dean started up the car, backing up and tearing out of the parking lot. He waited impatiently for the lady on the phone to get back to him, almost moaning in relief when she said the phone was in Springfield at another motel. “Thank you so much.” 

“I don’t know what’s wrong, Cas but I know it is nothing good.” He stepped on the gas pedal, not caring about the speed limit. Sam needed him right now, and he felt so stupid for letting him go on his own. 

“I’m coming Sammy.” he mumbled, stepping on the gas pedal some more and hoping that it wasn’t too late by the time they got there.  
\--

Dean parked the car, practically jumping out of the car and running to get to the reception desk. The lady at the front desk jumped when she saw the sight of him, and he was sure he looked crazy but at the moment he couldn’t find it in himself to care. His brother was in a room around here, maybe dying, and he needed to find him. 

“What room is a man who looks like a fucking weed in? He had brown hair and puppy dog eyes that could make you melt in a heart beat?” 

The woman nodded, looking through her books, flipping through the pages until she stopped, sliding her fingers down the page. 

“Here we are. The man you are looking for is in room 108.” 

Dean smiled at her, turning around and bolting out the door, almost running into Castiel. Dean didn’t stop; he didn’t stop until he reached the room. He tried turning the door knob, but it was locked and he let out a loud curse as he took a step back and took a running start to kick the door open. 

“Sammy!” he screamed, hurrying into the room, his heart skipping a beat at the scene in front of him. His brother was lying on the bed, unconscious with too much blood on his wrist. 

“No,” Dean whispered, running over to him to grab his wrist. It was caked in blood, both wet and dry, and he reached a hand up to his neck to feel for a pulse and his breath hitched when he felt none. “No, no, no, Sammy you son of bitch don’t you dare do this to me! Don’t you dare leave me like this!” 

He pulled Sammy to his chest, cradling his head with his hand, rocking back and forth as he tried not to think that this body was already turning cold. This could not be happening. Sammy was stronger then this. He survived the demon blood epidemic, he could survive this, and he pressed fingers over his pulse line again but he felt nothing. 

He let out a sob, hugging his brother tighter to him, wishing that Sam would do anything right now: cry, scream, punch, just something to tell him that he was alive. Except he wasn’t. His brother was dead in his arms, and all because of him. He was the one responsible for this. He was the one who drove his brother to do this. 

“Dean-” Castiel started, but Dean cut him off with a glare. 

“Don’t you dare say this isn’t my fault, Cas. I’m his brother, damn it, I should have seen the signs. I should have been there, but I pushed him away. I told him to leave because I didn’t want to have to worry about him anymore, and I called him a fucking monster, so don’t you dare tell me that this isn’t my fault.” 

The tears fell down his cheeks before he could even stop them from coming out. He turned his head back, pressing a kiss to the top of his brother’s head. He stayed like that for a while with Castiel watching, and this really couldn’t be happening to him right now. His brother wasn’t dead. This was just some sick joke Zachariah was playing on him, and they were going to come back from it any second now. 

“This can’t be real,” he whispered in Sam’s hair, his body shaking with the unshed tears. “You can’t do this to me, Sam. I need you. I need you so much to help me through this, and I am so sorry. Please Sammy, come back to me.” 

He waited and he waited for something to happen, some type of miracle, but all he was met with was stony silence. He let out scream of frustration, turning to look at Castiel, his eye’s red like he had been crying too. He knew Castiel couldn’t do anything for Sam, and his heart shattered as he realized there was nothing he could do to bring his brother back. 

“Come here.” he mouthed, and Castiel was around him in a second, his hands holding Dean’s head close to his chest. That was all Dean needed to let go, his body shivering from his sobs. 

“Please,” Dean begged. “Please tell me that his soul is at least where his soul should be. That is all I ask.” 

Castiel’s heart broke at the sound of Dean’s voice, so soft and broken, and he ran his fingers through Dean’s hair trying to think of the best answer for him. He didn’t know where his soul would go, but he had to give some comfort to this man he has learned to love. 

“His soul is up there, Dean. He is up there with Ash and Pamela and every one of his friends. I am sure he is starting to create his own little piece of heaven right now, and I am sure he misses you just as much as you miss him right now.” 

“The son of bitch better be happy.” 

They stayed like that for hours, Dean’s head against Castiel’s chest while Dean cradled Sam to his. He needed to get his brother’s body to the forest and he needed to tell everyone what happened. He didn’t know how he could do this because he never once thought he would have to call his family and tell them that Sammy was dead. Not like this anyway. He was going to give his brother a proper burial, and he was going to do it right. He died like a hunter and he was going to go out like one. 

Castiel let go of his head, letting Dean pick Sam up and carry him outside to put him in the back seat of his Impala. 

It felt like his whole world was crumbling, piece by piece, and he honestly didn’t know if he could make it without his brother. Dean hit the wheel in rage. He was mad at himself for not seeing this sooner, and he was mad at himself for not being there for his brother when he needed him the most. He was a shit of a brother, always has been. 

A hand on his shoulder made him jump, and he looked over at Cas who had a soft smile playing on his lips. He turned his car on and drove out of the parking lot and heading towards the nearest forest. 

They parked just outside of the forest, and Dean got out, his expression hard of any emotion, but on the inside he was shaking. He was going to burn his brother, his own flesh and blood, the person he swore to protect and is now dead. 

“You son of a bitch,” Dean hissed, taking his brother out. “I can’t believe you would think that I wouldn’t miss you because Sammy you were all I had in this thing. We were in it for the long haul, and now you have gone and left me. How am I supposed to win this war without you?” 

He walked ahead, Castiel following behind with the supplies. He stopped in the middle of the forest, waiting for Cas to put the sheet down before settling Sammy on top of it. He wrapped him up good and tight, holding his hand out for the salt and gasoline. 

He couldn’t believe this. He was burning his brother’s body, something he never dreamed about doing and never wanted to do. He put the supplies down and he watched as Cas lit the matches, throwing it on top. 

Dean watched the flames lick at the body before them, the tears that he was holding back before spilling out. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to protect his little brother, make sure nothing happens to him, but instead he let him die. He let his own brother kill himself because he was too stupid to realize what he was doing to Sam. 

He didn’t know if he could do this without Sam. He didn’t know if he could win, hell he didn’t know if there was even going to be a war anymore without Sam, but he was sure Lucifer would find another vessel to prey on and he was sure of one thing: he was going to gank the son of a bitch. 

No one was going to have to go through this again. He was going to try and save the world for his brother. The guilt he feels is tremendous and it weighs down on his shoulders, that will never go away, but he was going to try and make things right again in the one way he knew how. 

He was going to keep on fighting.


End file.
